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    Ray

    A Casual and Malaysian Food Blogger since 2013. A postgraduate student who loves pastels. She blogs freely but mainly on food, personal, travel and lifestyle. Sometimes I write in Malay. For any inquiries, collaboration, review, advertorial, advertisement, do hit the contact button or email me at raydahpunye@gmail.com.

    Back to square one | Anxiety


    You know when we used to be so used to something that we're so comfortable already and feels happy about but then suddenly one day everything changes kinda feeling. Everything just sort of change very rapidly. And you didn't even know it until that one particular moment.

    My health deteriorate badly for the past few month and the same goes to my mental health accept for it gets even worst day by day without me knowing what actually happen to this body of mine. I sort of having a mental breakdown for quite a while. A major one. That doesn't end there, my face also shows a lot of reversal to how it once was.

    Breakout.

    That's the word. I knew it at first that it happens due to my unstable hormones even though I thought it was due to allergies. Nope that's not it. It all comes in a package.

    What actually happens to my body?

    It was definitely fatigue. Fatigue means an extreme tiredness resulting from mental or physical exertion or illness. I feel fatigue all day long even when I'm sleeping. You're supposed to feel refresh and healthy once you've had your sleep as your body rest but it was the total opposite for me. Can you imagine feeling nauseous and extremely tired once you're up from bed each and every morning.

    Decisions

    There's a lot to do and to think about but my mind and my body are not in sync that everything is kinda messed up on my side without anybody knowing it. How do you imagined I went through everyday with that state I'm in. I looked okay but there's this part of me that keeps me on my two feet, trying my best to stay awake when I can barely holding on.

    People surrounding

    It took a lot of courage and energy just to even lift my heads up to the people around me. And then I went back home with tears in my eyes until I collapse and later woke up to see another day.

    I lost it but I pretend like I had it

    One minute I was okay, and a second after I was bawling my eyes out. That's how unstable I was. I was holding my tears through the entire time but when the pail is full it all poured out just like that bammm. I was not okay and I never am. People say to pretend like you're okay. It's easy to say pretending to be okay when you're actually breaking down physically and most importantly my mental is nowhere as good as it was. I am mentally sick and unstable. I was and I am.

    Yes blame me for feeling what I'm feeling. People can say that when they're not me and they don't even know the slightest thing about it. That's what make it worst. They're all pretending to know and act like they care when they actually don't. There's a voice inside saying that they are all sick and bored of your act. I am not acting. Neither do I want this. Who wants it? Tell me.

    I do know that a lot more people out there felt the same and they are struggling in the outside world when all they want was just to have a simple life. But when it gets out of control all they can do is just sit there at the corner of the room hoping things will get better since no one actually lend them a shoulder to cry or even extend their hand to help them get out of that dark room. Yep it's dark inside where only they can see what they see. A totally different vision.

    Have you ever feel the same?

    You know when we used to be so used to something that we're so comfortable already and feels happy about but then suddenly one day everything changes kinda feeling. Everything just sort of change very rapidly. And you didn't even know it until that one particular moment.

    My health deteriorate badly for the past few month and the same goes to my mental health accept for it gets even worst day by day without me knowing what actually happen to this body of mine. I sort of having a mental breakdown for quite a while. A major one. That doesn't end there, my face also shows a lot of reversal to how it once was.

    Breakout.

    That's the word. I knew it at first that it happens due to my unstable hormones even though I thought it was due to allergies. Nope that's not it. It all comes in a package.

    What actually happens to my body?

    It was definitely fatigue. Fatigue means an extreme tiredness resulting from mental or physical exertion or illness. I feel fatigue all day long even when I'm sleeping. You're supposed to feel refresh and healthy once you've had your sleep as your body rest but it was the total opposite for me. Can you imagine feeling nauseous and extremely tired once you're up from bed each and every morning.

    Decisions

    There's a lot to do and to think about but my mind and my body are not in sync that everything is kinda messed up on my side without anybody knowing it. How do you imagined I went through everyday with that state I'm in. I looked okay but there's this part of me that keeps me on my two feet, trying my best to stay awake when I can barely holding on.

    People surrounding

    It took a lot of courage and energy just to even lift my heads up to the people around me. And then I went back home with tears in my eyes until I collapse and later woke up to see another day.

    I lost it but I pretend like I had it

    One minute I was okay, and a second after I was bawling my eyes out. That's how unstable I was. I was holding my tears through the entire time but when the pail is full it all poured out just like that bammm. I was not okay and I never am. People say to pretend like you're okay. It's easy to say pretending to be okay when you're actually breaking down physically and most importantly my mental is nowhere as good as it was. I am mentally sick and unstable. I was and I am.

    Yes blame me for feeling what I'm feeling. People can say that when they're not me and they don't even know the slightest thing about it. That's what make it worst. They're all pretending to know and act like they care when they actually don't. There's a voice inside saying that they are all sick and bored of your act. I am not acting. Neither do I want this. Who wants it? Tell me.

    I do know that a lot more people out there felt the same and they are struggling in the outside world when all they want was just to have a simple life. But when it gets out of control all they can do is just sit there at the corner of the room hoping things will get better since no one actually lend them a shoulder to cry or even extend their hand to help them get out of that dark room. Yep it's dark inside where only they can see what they see. A totally different vision.

    Have you ever feel the same?
    . Wednesday, 29 May 2019 .

    31 comments

    1. Ray tukar template kah? ke perasaan kc je? hahaha.

      kc tak pernah expereince severe anxiety macam tu kot. cuma kalau nak period or tengah period memang mood tak stabil. kejap emo, kejap ok. cepat sentap, cepat rasa sedih, cepat rasa nak marah orang walhal benda kecik je pun. its such a mix feeling.

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. hehe yup I did. You're rarely here sbb tu tak perasan kot. hhaha

        Lain orang lain pengalaman dye. maybe u have something other than this happened to you.

        Delete
    2. take a break, hope everything will getting better soon

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. thank you so much. I hope you too are doing well.

        Delete
    3. At once, I feel u ray. Hope u’ll be okay soon. Have a good rest!

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. thank you so much. I appreciate that. a lot. this means so much.

        Delete
    4. Have a exercise Ray! Might help u, trust me. Take a deep breath and have a break in between. Do things that you loves :( I pray u will get lot lot better.

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. I'm working on that. Thank you so muchhhhh. I do feel a bit better these days. May Allah bless you.

        Delete
    5. hi! take a rest sis and i hope you will get better :)

      https://mylittlestoryi.blogspot.com

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. thank you so much darling. u too take care yaaa ^^

        Delete
    6. Thank for this nice article

      ReplyDelete
    7. mama pun ada juga time macam ray ni.. dont be stress.. mama doakan semoga ray sentiasa sihat dan gembira

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. Aamiin. terima kasih mama sbb selalu support ray. May Allah bless you mama.

        Delete
    8. Take a break. It's ok, things will get better. If you need someone to talk to, you can reach me. Im ready to listen :-)

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. Awwwww that is so sweet of you. thank you so muchh. But I've been wondering why can't I get through your blog? I wish I could read you stories too.

        Delete
    9. lagi satu lupa nak cakap.. life is like that.. may all the changes and challenges make us better person

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. I'll keep that in mind. thank you again mama dear

        Delete
    10. Selalu juga ada kena mcm ni tp rutin akk terlalu sibuk. Adakala, boleh lupakannya

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. i tried so hard utk cri things to do and distract this feelings.

        Delete
    11. glad i hit on the title. "anxiety" is such an intriguing word. more than just a very short temporary nervous or little joy of excitement. and "square" is such a wonderful figure yet it can be very empty too. i know i'm not in good condition to give words of wisdom or sort of that but just so you know you're not alone though you feel so. i know that feeling. maybe not as similar and difficult as yours but i know. thinking about you're going through it, this could sound bad but it is just me being concern that it kinda of trigger that feeling. let's go through this together. slowly let go the past and who cares about future, what's matter is the present. at least today, let's be happy just once again. all the best to us! love you =)

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! I teared up while reading this. I can never explain this feelings but am so thankful for each and every word you wrote here. this means a lot to me. I wish you all the best too. I hope a lot of people are aware of this because it can get severe in no time if it is not treated well. I tried so hard to get out of it and couldn't really do it without the help of other. I'm glad I found the right circle of people to help me out. and you are too included. I love you moreee ^^

        Delete
      2. comeback here to read my comment and your reply again and again. i'm thankful that you took my words in a good way =)

        Delete
    12. It's like you're speaking my mind. I'm bad with words. I don't know how to explain what I feel so I often bottled things up.
      So this is exactly what I feel about my anxiety, thanks to you.

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. Ikr. Sometimes we all feel the same but it's hard to actually convey what those feelings are. I bare manage to write it here but I did it anyway. We have to actually support each other. I'm glad I managed to at least be in synced with you.

        Delete
    13. hidup mmg mcm ni. suka o x kena hadapi jg...kuatkan hati dan trs kn hidup seperti biasa...

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. that is so true. no doubt. it's just sometimes it feels like we're being hit hard by a big rock making it even harder to get back up.

        Delete
    14. the struggle is real Ray.. And it happens to me too..
      Apa yang boleh akak cadangkan ialah Ray kena luahkan.. Jangan pendam.. Ambil masa untuk diri sendiri.. menangis, tidur, luahkan pada someone atau blog atau buat apa sahaja untuk lepaskan semua rasa yang tersimpan tu.. Kena, kalau simpan dan pendam it's going to be hell inside your heart.. U just need a shoulder to cry and people to listen whats have been build up inside your heart.. Supaya Ray boleh keluar dari kegelapan itu.. Take your time and dont push to hard to be back on track.. Just keep in yourself that life is always balance with happiness, sadness, angry and other emotions.. welcome them and embraced them..

      Sorry kalau english tak okay.. Harap dapat membantu.. Walaupun rasa itu hanya Ray yang faham, akak doakan Ray terus kuat dan berjuang.. Jangan mengalah dan duduk dalam kegelapan.. You can do it..

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. Awwwwww this means a lotttttttttt. I am so blessed to encounter so many people with beautiful souls. I can't describe it in words but this is beautiful. It doesn't matter how your english was because what's important is the message behind it. May Allah bless you and your family. I'm really thankful for this. I really am.

        Delete
    15. Indeed, anxiety not only affecting your mental health, but also your physical health. Your face having breakouts, feeling so tired even you are doing nothing, loosing courage, determination and many more. But dear, sometimes it is okay to cry it out loud, let go of all the burdens, and get help. Let your self to be depressed for a day but stand up strong for the next day and face it bravely. Take your time to reach the top. Good things doesn't come in a day. Stay strong dear :D

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. Okay I wanna cry. hmmm thnk you so so so much. I really appreciate this. Alhamdulillah I am feeling so much better now thanks to the support that I had from you guys. I hope you are doing well too. take care

        Delete

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